CHAPTER 4: Love Language #1, Words of Affirmation

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation.

What would happen to the emotional climate of a marriage if the husband and wife heard of words affirmation such as: "I love how responsible you are. I feel like I can count on you, you look sharp in the suit, or stunning in the dress," on the regular basic?

Verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words

I am not suggesting verbal flattery in order to get your poise to do something you want

The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. (Note in book)

ENCOURAGING WORDS

The word encourage means to inspire courage

The talent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words

Life's deepest meaning is not found in accomplishments but in relationships

Do not pressure your spouse to do something you want but encourage him or her to develop an interest to do something she really wants to do, but is feeling insecure about.

Until he has that desire, her words will come across as judgmental and guilt-inducing. They express not love but rejection

We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.

Of course, encouraging words may be difficult for you to speak. It may not be your primary love language. It may take great effort for you to learn this second language... But I can assure you that it will be worth the effort

KIND WORDS

The manner in which we speak is exceedingly important. An ancient sage once said, "A soft answer turns away anger."

Choosing to forgive can restore intimacy. Forgiveness is the way of love.

We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We choose to live today free of the failures of yesterday.

Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment.

You are a failure because you failed...

HUMBLE WORDS

when I demand things from my spouse, I become the parent and he/she the child

The way we express our desires, however, is all-important. If they come across as demands, we have erased the possibility of nit act and will drive our spouse away

When you make demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant

Your mate may choose to respond to your request or to deny it, because love is always a choice

MORE WAYS TO AFFIRM

If you aren't a man or woman of words, if it is not your primary love language but you think it may be the love language of your spouse, let me suggest that  you keep a notebook titled "Words of Affirmation." When  you read an article to book on love, record the words of affirmation you find... In time you will collect quite a list of words to use in communicating love to your spouse.

The your wife mother how great your wife is. When her mother tells her what you said it will be Amplified, and you will get even more credit.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

How do you feel when you receive sincere words of affirmation?

How do you get your spouse to do something you really want him/her to do?

Have you used this love language before, if yes how did your spouse or friend responded?

Do you need to know a person love language to give them words of affirmation?

How can we use this at FBC, especially during 7ups?

Here is the website where you can take the test to know your Love Language:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

CHAPTER 3: FALLING IN LOVE

FALLING IN LOVE

She was by nature a conscientious, caring person, so it was completely out of character for her to show up at my office unannounced. 

" How are you today, Janice?" I asked

" Great!" She said. " I have never been better in my I've. I am getting married!"

" That's exciting. How long have you been dating?"

" Three weeks." I know it's crazy...

" I know it's crazy,. But I am so happy. I have never been this happy in my life."

What happened to Janice? She has falling in love.

Most of us enter marriage by way of the in-love experience.

When it (the feeling) is reciprocal, we start talking about marriage because everyone agrees that being "in love" is the necessary foundation for a goo marriage.

The Anteroom of Heaven

The person who is "in love" ...has the allusion that her beloved is perfect.

Of course, we are not totally naive. We know intellectually that we will eventually have differences. But we are certain we will discuss those differences openly; one of us will always be willing to make concessions, and we will reach agreement.

It is hard to believe anything else when you are in love

Our love us the most wonderful thing we ever experienced. We observe that some married couples seem to have lost that feeling, but it will never happen to us. "Maybe they didn't have the real thing"

After studying scores of couples, she concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. If it is a secretive love affair, it may last a little longer. Eventually, however, we all descend from the cloud and plant our feet on earth again.

Our eyes are opened, we see the warts of the other person.

Those little traits that we overlooked when we were in love now becomes huge mountains.

Reality Intrudes

It (Marriage) is a world where shoes do not walk to the closet and drawers do not close themselves, where coats do not like hangers and socks go AWOL during the laundry.

Did we really have the "real" thing? I think so. The problem is faulty information.

The bad information was the ideal that the in-love obsession would last forever.

...people who are "in love" lose interest in other pursuits. That is why it is called obsession.

Such obsession gives us the false sense that our egocentric attitude have been eradicated and we have become sort of a Mother Teresa, willing to give anything for the benefit of out lover.

Their minds have not melded together, and their emotions mingled only briefly in the ocean of love. Now the waves of the reality begin to separate them. They fall out of love, and at that point either they withdraw, separate, divorce, and set off in search of a new in-love experience, or they begin the hard work of learning to love each other without the euphoria of the in-love obsession.

We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was __and pursue "real love" with our spouse

Our most basic emotional need is to to fall in love but to be genuinely love by another... I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.

That kind of love requires effort and discipline

In fact, true love cannot begin until the in-love experience has run its course.

The emotional need for love must be met if we are to have emotional health. Married adult long to feel affection and love from their spouse. We feel secure when we are assured that our mate accepts us, wants us, and is committed to our well-being. 

During that in-love stage, we felt all those emotions. It was heavenly while it lasted. Our mistake was in thinking it would last forever

That is good news to married couple who have lost all I'd their "in-love" feelings. If love is a choice, then they have the capacity to love after the "in-love" obsession has died and the have return to the real world.

Love is an attitude that says, "I am married to you, and I choose to look out for your interests.

Discussion questions:

Does it mean it is impossible for the "in-love" phenomenon to last forever?

Does this applies to family as we well?

What is the first step of restoring love when the in-love obsession dies down?

How can we apply all this to our day to day relationships with other?

Here is the website where you can take the test to know your Love Language:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/