Chapter 12: Love the Unloving

Love the Unloving

Is it possible to love someone whom you hate?

Our condemning words to each other had brought us hurt and, on the heels of hurt, anger.

We had realized that if we continued our pattern of demanding and condemning, we would destroy our marriage.

We have learn to discuss our differences without condemning each other and how to make a decision without destroy ping our unity...

When we started speaking each other's primary love language the feeling of anger and hate abated

...His attitude was: "I don't have any problem. You are the one with the problem."

In his mind he was right, she was wrong-- it was as simple as that.

Her feeling of love for him had been killed through the years by his constant criticism and condemnation.

LOVE'S GREATEST CHALLENGE

I surmised that perhaps her only hope for marital survival was in her faith.  

I tell you who hear me: live your enemies and do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you... Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even "sinners" live those who live them. Luke 6:27-28, 31-32

THE SIX-MONTH EXPERIENCE

Since love is such a deeply emotional need, the lack of it is perhaps our deepest emotional pain.

The emotional need for live is our deepest emotional need; and when that need is being met, we tend to respond positively it the person who is meeting it.

Stop all the verbal complaints, if you want to complain about something, write it down in your personal notebook rather than saying anything about it for a month

Ask God to help you practice the teaching of Jesus in Luke 6:27-28; 31-32

If you express an act of love that is designed for the other person's benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice. You are not claiming that the action grows out of a deep emotional bounding. You simply choosing to do something for the other persons benefit.

Whatever your spouse says take it as information...

After a positive feedback, make a request of your spouse -- something that you would like him to do, something in keeping with your primary love language.

Make the request specific, not general...

Keep records on the positive words of affirmation that you give your spouse each week. 

Write down your frustration ps and irritations without telling your spouse

Learn how to share your frustrations and irritations in a constructive way...

Tell your spouse that you have been thinking about your marriage and have decided that you would like to do a better job of meeting his/her needs.

If your spouse starts speaking your love language by responding to your requests, your positive emotions toward him/her will return, and in time your marriage will be reborn.

CHAPTER 11: Love Makes the Difference

Love Makes the Difference

The need for significant is the emotional force behind much of, our behavior.

Feeling love by a wife or husband enhances our sense of significance.

I am significant.

Life has meaning.

There is a higher purpose

Without love, I may spend a life time in search of significance, self-worth, and security.

I may not feel significant until someone expresses love to me

Live is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us.

In the security of love:

1. A couple can discuss difference without condemnation 

2. Conflicts can be resolved

3. Two people who are different can learn to live together in harmony

4. We discover how to bring out the best in each other

Those are the rewards of a secure love.

 

WE ARE LIKE ROOMMATES

We don't ever talk. He is always doing something. I wan him to sit on the couch with me and  give me some time, look at me, talk to me about us, about our lives. (SCEAMS, QUALITY TIME)

A perfect wife would be a wife who would come home in the afternoon and fix dinner for (us). ...she would wash the dishes. ...She would sew the buttons on my shirt when they fall off. (SCREAMS, Acts of Service)

 

Can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet.

The key is to learn the primary live language of your spouse and choose to speak it.

The 5 Love Language, Chapter 15: LOVE IS A CHOICE

How can we speak each other's love language when we have full of hurt, anger, and resentment over our past failures?

We have the capacity to make poor choices, which all of us have done.

Poor choices in the past does not mean that we must make them in the future. Instead we can say, "I'm sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different.

Love does not erase the past, but it makes the future different.

"I just don't love her anymore"

The in-love experience temporarily meets one's emotional need for love.

If I learn emotional love Language of my spouse and speak it frequently, she will continue to feel loved.

Meeting my wife's need for love is a choice I make each day.  

Few men, suffering from an empty emotional love tank, leave their marriage until they have prospects of meeting that need somewhere else.

True, long-lasting emotional love is a choice and that emotional love could be reborn in his marriage if he and his wife learned to love each other in the right love language.

Actions and Emotions

The key to the rebirth of their marriage was discovering each other's primary love language and choosing to speak it frequently.

You see, when an action does not come naturally to you, it is greater expression of love

Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.

We discover the primary love language of our spouse, and we choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for us.

We want to meet our spouse's emotional need, and we reach out to speak his love language. In so doing his emotional tank is filled and chances are he will reciprocate and speak our love language .

Love is a choice. And either partner can start the process today..

 

Chapter 9: Discovering you Primary Love Language

Chapter 9, discovering your Primary love Language

How do you know.

What is your primary love language? 

What makes you feel most love by your spouse? 

What do you desire most above all else? 

Another way to discovering your primary love language is to look back over your marriage and ask, "what have I most often requested of my spouse?

Another way to discover your primary love language is to examine what you do or say to express love to your spouse.

Chances are what you are doing for her is what you wish she would do for you.

So you may discover your own love language by asking, "how do is consciously express love to my spouse?

*The opposite of what hurts you the most is probably you love language.

*The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most love.

*Your method of expressing live may be an indication that that would also make you feel love.

If the Languages seems to be equal for you, that is, both speak loudly to you, then perhaps you are bilingual... 

Chapter 8: Love language #5

Love Language #5 PHYSICAL TOUCH

THE POWER OF TOUCH

of the five senses, touching, unlike the other four, is not limited to one localized area of the body.

Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.

In marriage, the touch of love may take many forms.

Touching your spouse as you walk through the room where he is sitting takes only a moment.

Touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return may involve only a brief kiss or hug but will speak volumes to your spouse.

Hugging your spouse before she goes shopping may not only express love, it may bring her home sooner.

THE BODY IS FOR TOUCH

The average American male may not feel comfortable with the European bear hug and kiss, but in Europe that serves the same function as our shaking hands.

There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch members of the opposite sex in every society

CLEARLY OUR BODY IS FOR TOUCHING, NOT FOR ABUSE

Crisis and Physical Touch

Physical touch is a powerful communicator of love

All marriage will experience crises...

The most important thing you can do for your mate in time of crisis is to love him or her.

Your words may mean little, nut your touch will communicate that you care.

The 5 love language #4

Chapter 7: Acts of Service

Actions such as cooking a meal, Setting a table, watching dishes, vacuuming, cleaning a commode, changing the baby's diaper, dusting the book case, keeping the car in operating condition, paying the bills,trimming the shrubs, Walking the dog, dealing with the landlords and insurance companies are all acts of service

Acts of service require thought, planning, time effort, and energy. If done with the right spirit, they are expressions of live as well.

CONVERSATION IN A MILL TOWN 

Can a couple make it in marriage if they disagree on everything?

If Mark and Mary had the same primary love Language, why where they having so much difficulty? The answer lies in the fact that they were speaking different  dialects.

Since acts of service wS their primary love language, learning each other's specific dialect was relatively easy for them.

They illustrate clearly that what we do for each other before marriage in not an indication of what we will do after marriage.

Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.

My wife criticism's about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her primary love language.

DOORMAT or LOVER?

Allowing oneself to be used and manipulated by another is not an act of love. It is in fact, an act of treason. You are allowing him or her to develop inhuman habits. 

Love says I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It's not good for you or me. 

Is it that simple?

Simple yes, easy, No.

CHAPTER 4: Love Language #1, Words of Affirmation

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation.

What would happen to the emotional climate of a marriage if the husband and wife heard of words affirmation such as: "I love how responsible you are. I feel like I can count on you, you look sharp in the suit, or stunning in the dress," on the regular basic?

Verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words

I am not suggesting verbal flattery in order to get your poise to do something you want

The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. (Note in book)

ENCOURAGING WORDS

The word encourage means to inspire courage

The talent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words

Life's deepest meaning is not found in accomplishments but in relationships

Do not pressure your spouse to do something you want but encourage him or her to develop an interest to do something she really wants to do, but is feeling insecure about.

Until he has that desire, her words will come across as judgmental and guilt-inducing. They express not love but rejection

We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.

Of course, encouraging words may be difficult for you to speak. It may not be your primary love language. It may take great effort for you to learn this second language... But I can assure you that it will be worth the effort

KIND WORDS

The manner in which we speak is exceedingly important. An ancient sage once said, "A soft answer turns away anger."

Choosing to forgive can restore intimacy. Forgiveness is the way of love.

We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We choose to live today free of the failures of yesterday.

Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment.

You are a failure because you failed...

HUMBLE WORDS

when I demand things from my spouse, I become the parent and he/she the child

The way we express our desires, however, is all-important. If they come across as demands, we have erased the possibility of nit act and will drive our spouse away

When you make demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant

Your mate may choose to respond to your request or to deny it, because love is always a choice

MORE WAYS TO AFFIRM

If you aren't a man or woman of words, if it is not your primary love language but you think it may be the love language of your spouse, let me suggest that  you keep a notebook titled "Words of Affirmation." When  you read an article to book on love, record the words of affirmation you find... In time you will collect quite a list of words to use in communicating love to your spouse.

The your wife mother how great your wife is. When her mother tells her what you said it will be Amplified, and you will get even more credit.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

How do you feel when you receive sincere words of affirmation?

How do you get your spouse to do something you really want him/her to do?

Have you used this love language before, if yes how did your spouse or friend responded?

Do you need to know a person love language to give them words of affirmation?

How can we use this at FBC, especially during 7ups?

Here is the website where you can take the test to know your Love Language:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/